AFRICAN HISTORY

Apparently, correcting lies about African history is now called ‘Afrocentric.’ Cute.

Today we’re examining British Israelism—a real thing, with books, and graveyard-serious textbooks. Colonel Garnier claimed the ancestor Western Europeans wrote the Old Testament. I want you to judge if Africans have ever published these kinds of serious blunders.

These were people on orange juice and water, not crack cocaine, 50 bottles of whiskey, or heroine, claiming the ancestor Western Europeans wrote the Old Testament.

Today they have shifted the goal posts to “aliens built the pyramids”.

Did they ever have a point?

Western Europeans Wrote the Old Testament? Did We Read the Same Document?

The claim that Western Europeans wrote the Old Testament is the intellectual equivalent of saying Stonehenge was built by the Incas. It’s not just wrong—it’s historically hallucinated. The Old Testament was forged in the fires of Afro-Asiatic culture, centuries before the ancestors of modern Western Europeans had figured out how to bathe regularly or construct anything more complicated than a mud hut. Let’s not pretend plaid kilts, powdered wigs, or last names like Fitzroy and Abernathy were whispering in the winds of the Sinai Desert.

Let’s start swinging.

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Not a Single McDonald or Smith in Sight!

The first clue, obvious to anyone with two functioning neurons, is the absence of Western European names in the Hebrew Bible. You will search Genesis through Malachi and not find a single Montgomery, McDonald, or Smith trying to part the Red Sea. Instead, you get Eliezer, Miriam, Solomon, Zipporah—names blooming from the Semitic soil, not the frosty fields of Sussex.

A few desperate souls, hyperventilating over etymology, proposed that maybe the tribe of Dan was from Denmark 🇩🇰. Cute theory. Unfortunately, “Dan” (דָּן) in Hebrew means judge ⚖️ and was old news a thousand years before Vikings got bored enough to name Denmark. The Danites weren’t setting sail for Scandinavia; they were busy struggling with Philistines in Canaan.

Other hopeful myth-makers insisted that “Tarshish” must be Britain 🏴—because nothing screams “ancient Phoenician trade route” like rainy islands full of druids sacrificing mistletoe. Historical geography? Irrelevant. Actual archaeology? Inconvenient. Biblical Tarshish had ships full of gold, silver, ivory, apes, and peacocks, not sausages and fog.

No surnames. No Scandinavians. No Sheffield steel. Just Semitic lineages, desert landscapes, and divine covenants forged under a sun so hot it would melt a monocle clean off a Victorian face.

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History Hacked by Hopeful Hijackers

When the names didn’t match, colonial imaginations did what they did best: invent. 19th-century Anglo-Israelites 🇬🇧 conjured a theological fantasy where the “Ten Lost Tribes” sailed north and mysteriously fathered the British Empire. Proof? None. Sources? The same place leprechauns and unicorns live.

Their argument boiled down to a fever dream:

• Archaeology: Misquoted or ignored.

• Languages: Mangled.

• Genealogy: Improvised like a drunk bard in a tavern.

Apparently, just having vowels in common made Hebrew and English linguistic siblings. (By that logic, dolphins are the original composers of Italian opera.) And because someone somewhere found a rock and thought it looked “Celtic,” obviously King Solomon had funded Stonehenge. Right?

Meanwhile, the real Hebrews were shaping history between Egypt and Mesopotamia—writing contracts, recording solar eclipses, and developing systems of law before medieval Britons had discovered the revolutionary technology of trousers.

When Moses received the Ten Commandments on Sinai, the ancestors of Western Europeans were still painting themselves blue and talking to oak trees.

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Garden Telescopes and Gravitational Fantasies

Searching for Western Europe in the Old Testament is like trying to detect gravitational waves with a garden hose. You will only find mud, delusion, and—if you’re lucky—an earthworm.

The real authors of the Old Testament operated out of the ancient Afro-Asiatic linguistic world, where Akkadian, Hebrew, Aramaic, and early forms of Arabic evolved. They had ancestors from southeastern Türkiye, Mesopotamia, Yemen, Jordan, and Egypt, fought wars with chariots, and built temple economies whose complexity would have made a medieval Frankish lord scratch his lice-infested head.

Here’s what you actually find when you read the Bible:

 • ✡️ Abraham: A Mesopotamian migrant, not a Manchester merchant.

 • ✡️ Moses: An Egyptianized Hebrew survivor raised as a high-status Egyptian, not a Scottish clan chief.

 • ✡️ David: A tribal warlord from Judah, not a Viking pirate. 

 • ✡️ Solomon: A king who made international marriages and traded spices, not a wool-merchant from Yorkshire.

The Biblical worldview is stitched together from Egypt’s Nile, Canaan’s olive groves, Babylon’s legal codes, and Assyria’s imperial ambitions—not the cloudy hamlets of Anglia or Gaul.

No Western knight ever polished armor beside the Jordan River, while the Hebrew Scriptures were being written. No Norman noble ever wandered Jericho’s ruins in 1000 BCE. No Hapsburg ever heard the Voice from the Burning Bush.

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Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall, Who’s the Most Delusional of Them All?

What they really found, when squinting into their “garden telescopes,” wasn’t Fitzhughs or McHenrys—but their own reflection. The desperate desire to see Western Europe in the Old Testament reveals more about colonial insecurity than it does about biblical history.

If Western Europeans had written the Old Testament:

• The Psalms would rhyme in English couplets.

• The Prophets would debate the finer points of cricket.

• The Laws of Moses would mandate powdered wigs and property taxes.

Instead, we get burnt offerings, desert rituals, purity codes tied to nomadic survival, and genealogies tracing back not to Sherwood Forest but to dusty Near Eastern plains.

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Conclusion? Western Europeans did not write the Old Testament. They barely understood it when they stumbled onto it. Trying to find themselves in its pages is like trying to find Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony on a bagpipe—hilarious, tragic, and ultimately deafening.

The Old Testament speaks in the rhythms of Afro-Asiatic antiquity, not the ballads of Britannia. No amount of delusion, linguistic butchery, or colonial cosplay can change that.

Next time someone says “white people wrote the Bible” — just ask: “Did we even read the same document?”

Expecting self-awareness from the people who think Tarshish was Yorkshire must be asking too much.

#Africa #BlackHistory #World